My name is Sandy and I am 39 years old. I am recovering from Anorexia. My recovery began about 8 years ago. Anorexia took hold of my life at about 12 years old. I still remember vividly how badly I felt about my body and myself.
I developed faster than most of the girls my age. Maybe I just was not ready to grow up yet. I started to feel out of control. My mom suggested that I take ballet lessons because I was very uncoordinated. However, instead of helping me, as I stood next to the other "tiny" girls, I felt fatter. I was constantly making comparisons between the other girls and myself. I felt as if I never measured up. To make matters worse, I had two parents that were obsessed with exercising. So, I decided to begin dieting. At first, it was just cutting calories. Then, I started cutting out meals. Family meals were horrible during these years. They were so much about control. My father was a minister, so I grew up in a really strict household. I felt as if I didn't have very much say over much of my life. Somehow, to me, keeping my weight down and starving myself gave me an enormous feeling of control. Simultaneously, I started exercising compulsively. I would always be active: walking, swimming, running, etc. I was in constant movement.
We also moved around a lot during my childhood. So, between that and my anorexia, I had a really hard time making friends. I realize now, that letting someone get too close would have exposed all my secrets. I was so isolated and unhappy. My parents loved me, but I guess they didn't know how to help me. They only knew to try and get me to eat!
As I hit college age and everyone was asking me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I really had no idea. I honestly had no idea who I was because I didn't have the energy to focus on the things that really mattered. So, at age 17, I went away to college. I just wanted to get away from the rules of home and have some freedom. Well, my first year in college was a total spiral down hill. I lived with two roommates who were wonderful, but my anorexia was still strong and gaining strength. My weight went down to about 87 pounds and that is about when bulimia kicked in. I remember going to refrigerator in the dorm, late at night, and eating full containers of icing. This would make me feel horrible. I would feel so full of guilt. So, I began going back and forth between binging and purging, and starving myself. I always felt gross while I was throwing up.
The most interesting part of all of this was that I made the deans list and it was probably one of the worse phases of my life. My roommates knew something was wrong. I know they saw me stepping on the scale time and time again. They talked to me about trying to get help, but I still refused to see that there was a problem. They sent me to see a Methodist Minister/ Counselor for help. I remember hating him, not listening to what he was saying and above all, refusing to see my problem.
While I finished college with a bachelor's degree in psychology, I was still deeply struggling with my eating disorder. I was scared because I didn't know what my next move should be. That is when I decided to move home to New York.
In 1986, something wonderful happened. I met my husband Bob while working in a restaurant. For the first time, I truly fell head over heals in love. I had this person who made me feel truly beautiful and loved me for who I was on the inside. We were together for four years and then Bob proposed. A few months later my parents, all of a sudden, sat me down and talked to me about my eating disorder. I entered an eating disorder center in Long Island and for the first time in my life, I realized that I truly had a problem. Now, before that time I felt like there was just something wrong with me. I felt as if I would just have to live with this feeling of never measuring up, never being good enough, and hating my body for the rest of my life. I was determined that I would be able to change it.
The hospital was extremely difficult. They took my away my clothes, would not let me exercise and would force me to eat. However, there were also some great therapy groups. By hearing that there were other girls going through the same thing made me for the first time that I was not alone. I very slowly began to look at food as nourishment and strength for my body. And after a while, I even began to like myself.
Recovery from an eating disorder is a slow process. However, I am here to say that it is possible. You can learn to feel good and to be at peace with who you are. I also believe that a big part of the recovery process is to share personal experiences with others. We have to stop isolating ourselves and let others in.
More than anything in the world, I now want to help others. I want to share the message that you can wake up in the morning with hope and health. I have been blessed with a family who always stood by me, and a faith that has always been strong. And now, I have been blessed to find The Alliance for Eating Disorders Awareness and Johanna. Each day I look forward to a day filled with new possibilities, new friends and new beginnings. I feel like I have been given a chance to use the bad in my past for others to have a better future. And for that, I am very thankful